Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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