Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
