she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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