did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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