how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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