pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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