if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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