Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
