Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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