two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
