I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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