It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
