She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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