Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Help. Why am I so naked?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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