So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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