you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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