There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
