Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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