u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
