are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
