Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
