Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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