My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
