i already hear my dad disowning me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
