I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
