I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize