this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
