who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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