I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
