I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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