My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Vodka?
Forever.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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