i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
