Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
