remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
