matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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