Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
