Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We are two peas in an std pod
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
