I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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