Texts From Last Night

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  (707): View more from California

  Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

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  (707): Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman. http://tfl.nu/1yjg
  Replies (6) Good night (3433) Bad night (674)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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  (617): she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her... http://tfl.nu/azzw
  Replies (21) Good night (5155) Bad night (2589)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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  (814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z
  Replies (20) Good night (5187) Bad night (1200)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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  (917): im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer http://tfl.nu/s04i
  Replies (8) Good night (3106) Bad night (1145)
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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  (+45): You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right? http://tfl.nu/cwve
  Replies (9) Good night (4059) Bad night (1723)
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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  (580): I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever! http://tfl.nu/u7rz
  Replies (6) Good night (3462) Bad night (723)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this

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  (480): Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this http://tfl.nu/d987
  Replies (6) Good night (1381) Bad night (604)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

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  (316): I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/j3xl
  Replies (6) Good night (930) Bad night (1312)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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  (404): And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right? (1-404): So the keyword here is "hammered"? http://tfl.nu/1kxs
  Replies (1) Good night (1517) Bad night (468)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having

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  (720): Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having http://tfl.nu/k4bc
  Replies (3) Good night (870) Bad night (551)
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.

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  (620): Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/471z
  Replies (6) Good night (1376) Bad night (590)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

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  (314): How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death. http://tfl.nu/x5xg
  Replies (4) Good night (1065) Bad night (408)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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  (540): Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home" http://tfl.nu/xfn6
  Replies (8) Good night (1470) Bad night (357)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.

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  (574): i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand. http://tfl.nu/cuvt
  Replies (5) Good night (498) Bad night (386)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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  (440): You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids? (330): Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice. http://tfl.nu/lps6
  Replies (4) Good night (1066) Bad night (306)

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