overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream