I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
