If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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