Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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