I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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