My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
