I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
