thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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