Don't you send me to vm
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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