I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
