super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
