I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
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I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Less talking, more tequila
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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