I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
