I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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