Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
