hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
