my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My bed smells like the plague
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