I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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