So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
